Welcome to America's Weirdest Home Videos.
-Ricky? -Coming, Dad.
You know I don't like locked doors in my house, boy.
I'm sorry. I must've locked it by accident.
-So what's up? -I need a urine sample.
Wow. It's been six months already.
-Can I give it to you in the morning? I just took a whiz. -Yeah. I suppose.
Y-You know-- Well, good night, son.
I've been waiting for you.
You've been working out, haven't you? I can tell.
I was hoping you could give me a bath.
I'm very, very dirty.
-What are you doing? -Nothing.
-You were masturbating. -I was not.
-Yes, you were. -Oh, all right. So shoot me. I was whacking off.
That's right. I was choking the bishop,
chafing the carrot. You know, saying "hi" to my monster.
That's disgusting.
-Well, excuse me, but some of us still have blood pumping through our veins. -So do I.
Really? Well, I'm the only one who seems to be doing anything about it.
Lester, I refuse to live like this!
This is not a marriage.
This hasn't been a marriage for years,
but you were happy as long as I kept my mouth shut.
Well, guess what. I've changed. And the new me...
whacks off when he feels horny... 'cause you're obviously not going to help me out in that department.
I see. You think you're the only one who's sexually frustrated.
I'm not? Well, then, come on, baby. I'm ready.
Don't you mess with me, mister. I will divorce you so fast,
it'll make your head spin.
On what grounds?
I'm not a drunk. I don't fuck other women. I don't mistreat you. I've never hit you.
I don't even try to touch you, since you made it so abundantly clear... just how unnecessary you consider me to be!
But... I did support you when you got your license.
And some people might think that entitles me to half of what's yours.
So, turn out the light when you come back to bed, okay?